Quotes and sayings about tag  humor

He had just about enough intelligence to open his mouth when he wanted to eat, but certainly no more.

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• Humor

Gravity is a contributing factor in nearly 73 percent of all accidents involving falling objects.

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• Humor

Have you noticed that whatever sport you're trying to learn, some earnest person is always telling you to keep your knees bent?

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• Humor

The problem with winter sports is that -- follow me closely here -- they generally take place in winter.

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• Humor

Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business.

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• Humor

The integrity of my sleep has been forever compromised, sir.

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• Humor

The magician stood erect, menacing the attackers with demons, metamorphoses, paralyzing ailments, and secret judo holds. Molly picked up a rock.

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• Humor

Mary had a little lamb, its fleece electrostatic / And everywhere Mary went, the lights became erratic.

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• Humor

Because sometimes you just have to dance like a madman in the Self-Help section of your local bookstore.

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• Humor

I've always known I was gay, but it wasn't confirmed until I was in kindergarten.It was my teacher who said so. It was right there on my kindergarten report card: PAUL IS DEFINITELY GAY AND HAS VERY GOOD SENSE OF SELF.

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• Humor

We must have a pie. Stress cannot exist in the presence of a pie.

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• Humor

Climate is what you expect, weather is what you get.

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• Humor

Call me sentimental, but there's no-one in the world that I'd like to see get dysentery more than you

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• Humor

At the end of a miserable day, instead of grieving my virtual nothing, I can always look at my loaded wastepaper basket and tell myself that if I failed, at least I took a few trees down with me.

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• Humor

Everyone looks retarded once you set your mind to it.

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• Humor

In life, more than in anything else, it isn’t easy to end up alive.

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• Life

Carpe Scrotum. Seize life by the testicles

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• Humor

To love is easy, to be in a relationship is extremely difficult.

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• Love

All I do is lie, and that has made me immune to compliments.

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• Truth

Like all of my friends, she's a lousy judge of character.

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• Humor

If you aren't cute, you may as well be clever.

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• Humor

I would love to slap you right now, but I’m currently wielding a nine pound ball and I’m afraid that would be called murder.

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• Humor

All the world's a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearsed.

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• Life

I'm a happy person. If you want to be around me, you can either choose to be happy too, or follow the signs to the nearest exit!

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• Happiness

We were not a hugging people. In terms of emotional comfort it was our belief that no amount of physical contact could match the healing powers of a well made cocktail.

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• Humor

Sometimes the sins you haven't committed are all you have left to hold onto.

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• Humor

I'm the most important person in the lives of almost everyone I know and a good number of the people I've never even met.

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• Humor

The Destiny of Man is to unite, not to divide. If you keep on dividing you end up as a collection of monkeys throwing nuts at each other out of separate trees.

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• Humor

Speed eliminates all doubt. Am I smart enough? Will people like me? Do I really look all right in this plastic jumpsuit?

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• Humor

I like video games, but they're really violent. I'd like to play a video game where you help the people who were shot in all the other games. It'd be called 'Really Busy Hospital.

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• Humor