Quotes and sayings about tag  #humor

Quotes and sayings about tag  humor

1,286 Quotes

Gravity is a contributing factor in nearly 73 percent of all accidents involving falling objects.

Dave Barry

Have you noticed that whatever sport you're trying to learn, some earnest person is always telling you to keep your knees bent?

Dave Barry

I love the Olympics, because they enable people from all over the world to come together and--regardless of their political or cultural differences--accuse each other of cheating.

Dave Barry

It is a well-documented fact that guys will not ask for directions. This is a biological thing. This is why it takes several million sperm cells... to locate a female egg, despite the fact that the egg is, relative to them, the size of Wisconsin.

Dave Barry

Aside from velcro, time is the most mysterious substance in the universe. You can't see it or touch it, yet a plumber can charge you upwards of seventy-five dollars per hour for it, without necessarily fixing anything.

Dave Barry

The problem with winter sports is that -- follow me closely here -- they generally take place in winter.

Dave Barry

Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business.

Dave Barry

The integrity of my sleep has been forever compromised, sir.

David Foster Wallace

Mary had a little lamb, its fleece electrostatic / And everywhere Mary went, the lights became erratic.

David Foster Wallace

Because sometimes you just have to dance like a madman in the Self-Help section of your local bookstore.

David Levithan

We must have a pie. Stress cannot exist in the presence of a pie.

David Mamet

Call me sentimental, but there's no-one in the world that I'd like to see get dysentery more than you

David Nicholls

I've always known I was gay, but it wasn't confirmed until I was in kindergarten.It was my teacher who said so. It was right there on my kindergarten report card: PAUL IS DEFINITELY GAY AND HAS VERY GOOD SENSE OF SELF.

David Levithan

At the end of a miserable day, instead of grieving my virtual nothing, I can always look at my loaded wastepaper basket and tell myself that if I failed, at least I took a few trees down with me.

David Sedaris

Everyone looks retarded once you set your mind to it.

David Sedaris

All I do is lie, and that has made me immune to compliments.

David Sedaris

Like all of my friends, she's a lousy judge of character.

David Sedaris

If you aren't cute, you may as well be clever.

David Sedaris

We were not a hugging people. In terms of emotional comfort it was our belief that no amount of physical contact could match the healing powers of a well made cocktail.

David Sedaris

Sometimes the sins you haven't committed are all you have left to hold onto.

David Sedaris

I'm the most important person in the lives of almost everyone I know and a good number of the people I've never even met.

David Sedaris

Speed eliminates all doubt. Am I smart enough? Will people like me? Do I really look all right in this plastic jumpsuit?

David Sedaris

I like video games, but they're really violent. I'd like to play a video game where you help the people who were shot in all the other games. It'd be called 'Really Busy Hospital.

Demetri Martin

Being a detective isn't all about torture and murder and monsters. Sometimes it gets truly unpleasant...The fate of the world may depend on whether or not you can bring yourself to visit your relatives.

Derek Landy

We're not retreating, we're advancing in reverse.' --Skulduggery Pleasant

Derek Landy

I swear, talking to you is like talking to a really good-looking and mildly stupid brick wall.

Derek Landy

Plans are invitation to disappointment.

Derek Landy

It's not that I want you to go, it's just that I don't want you to stay.

Derek Landy

I can't abide people who go soft over animals and then cheat every human they come across!

Diana Wynne Jones

Look. Survey. Inspect. My hair is ruined! I look like a pan of bacon and eggs!

Diana Wynne Jones

Page 4 from 43