150+ Hilarious Quotes That'll Make You Laugh Out Loud

When you see what some girls marry, you realize how they must hate to work for a living.

It is proved by surveys that happiness does not come from love, wealth, or power but the pursuit of attainable goals.

Down with tyranny!' Bramble cried. 'Aristocracy! Autocracy! Monocracy! Other ocracy things! You are outnumbered, sir! Surrender!

Mulling this over, Vlad wiped her lip gloss from his lips with the back of his hand.Vampires, after all, didn't sparkle.

Because teachers, no matter how kind, no matter how friendly, are sadistic and evil to the core.

The two most common elements in the universe are Hydrogen and stupidity.

Truth would quickly cease to be stranger than fiction, once we got as used to it.

The older I grow, the more I distrust the familiar doctrine that age brings wisdom.

We must respect the other fellow's religion, but only in the sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart.

An idealist is one who, on noticing that a rose smells better than a cabbage, concludes that it makes a better soup.

Explanations exist; they have existed for all time; there is always a well-known solution to every human problem—neat, plausible, and wrong.

Faith may be defined briefly as an illogical belief in the occurrence of the improbable.

I've learned that you know your husband still loves you when there are two brownies left and he takes the smaller one.

Just give me a comfortable couch, a dog, a good book, and a woman. Then if you can get the dog to go somewhere and read the book, I might have a little fun.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

Well, art is art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water! And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now, uh... now you tell me what you know.

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas I'll never know.

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.

Before I speak, I have something important to say.

Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, 'Damn, that was fun'.

I sent the club a wire stating, PLEASE ACCEPT MY RESIGNATION. I DON'T WANT TO BELONG TO ANY CLUB THAT WILL ACCEPT ME AS A MEMBER.

Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while