150+ Hilarious Quotes That'll Make You Laugh Out Loud

I hate patience. Slows everything down.

Finding a life partner is like choosing a bed. You need one as a friend either in times of health or sickness. Freshness or weariness. Happiness or sadness. And we can be certain that we've picked the right one without having to sleep with it first.

I am Dead, but it's not so bad. I've learned to live with it.

If my doctor told me I had only six minutes to live, I wouldn't brood. I'd type a little faster.

Those people who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.

Writing is like getting married. One should never commit oneself until one is amazed at one's luck.

Georgie, stop trying to resurrect the shoes. They were never alive in the first place.

Help me, I can’t breathe, your ego is pushing all the air out of the room.

It's awful to be rich and mind-boggingly handsome and have women fawn over you. My heart bleeds for you. Poor dear, how do you manage?

I gave him my best cryptic smile. He did not fall down to his feet, kiss my shoes, and promise me the world. I must be getting rusty.

Because he has the best equipment in the City and he knows how to use it!

I can't give you the white picket fence, and if I did, you'd set it on fire.

It's a reflex. Hear a bell, get food. See an undead, throw a knife. Same thing, really.

This is the fast lane, folks...and some of us like it here.

Write what you know. That should leave you with a lot of free time.

Yeah, the whole family knows. It's no big deal. One night at dinner I said, 'Mom, you know the forbidden love that Spock has for Kirk? Well, me too.' It was easier for her to understand that way.

Riza: Without his Alchemy he's just...Jean: A little brat who swears a lotMaes: An arrogant pipsqueakRoy: Useless. Just uselessAlphonse: Sorry big brother, I don't know how to add to that...Ed *starts to cry*: YOU'RE ALL PICKING ON ME!!!

In eternity there is no time, only an instant long enough for a joke.

When in danger or in doubt, run in circles, scream and shout.

Where is human nature so weak as in the bookstore?

When life hands you a lemon, say, 'Oh yeah, I like lemons! What else ya got?

Any customer can have a car painted any colour that he wants so long as it is black.

Any fool can make a ruleAnd any fool will mind it.

As if you could kill time without injuring eternity.