150+ Hilarious Quotes That'll Make You Laugh Out Loud

It is hard enough to remember my opinions, without also remembering my reasons for them!

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

I'm not the smartest fellow in the world, but I can sure pick smart colleagues.

Definition of rock journalism: People who can't write, doing interviews with people who can't think, in order to prepare articles for people who can't read.

Interviewer: 'So Frank, you have long hair. Does that make you a woman?'Frank Zappa: 'You have a wooden leg. Does that make you a table?

Money may not buy happiness, but I'd rather cry in a Jaguar than on a bus.

In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra.

Anybody who has survived his childhood has enough information about life to last him the rest of his days.

I don't deserve any credit for turning the other cheek as my tongue is always in it.

Total non-retention has kept my education from being a burden to me.

Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them. There's many a best-seller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.

I have dozens of loyal fans! Baker's dozens! …they come in thirteens.

I’ve been drunk for about a week now, and I thought it might sober me up to sit in a library.

Every one suspects himself of at least one of the cardinal virtues, and this is mine: I am one of the few honest people that I have ever known.

Why do people always expect authors to answer questions? I am an author because I want to ask questions. If I had answers, I'd be a politician.

"This is a good place," he said. "There's a lot of liquor," I agreed.

God knows I had not wanted to fall in love with her. I had not wanted to fall in love with any one. But God knows I had and I lay on the bed in the room of the hospital in Milan and all sorts of things went through my head but I felt wonderful...

No one in the world gets what they want and that is beautiful.

The road to creativity passes so close to the madhouse and often detours or ends there.

Housework can kill you if done right.

A grandmother pretends she doesn't know who you are on Halloween.

Sometimes I can't figure designers out. It's as if they flunked human anatomy.

When humor goes, there goes civilization.

I am not a glutton - I am an explorer of food