150+ Hilarious Quotes That'll Make You Laugh Out Loud

A pessimist is a man who thinks everybody is as nasty as himself, and hates them for it.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

Pasteboard pies and paper flowers are being banished from the stage by the growth of that power of accurate observation which is commonly called cynicism by those who have not got it....

We learn from experience that men never learn anything from experience.

I’m an atheist and I thank God for it.

The play was a great success, but audience was a dismal failure.

When a thing is funny, search it carefully for a hidden truth.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

I may not be smart enough to do everything, but I am dumb enough to try anything.

Anya jumped in front of the man, acting as his shield. Now, Sabin. He didn’t mean any harm. He’s borderline stupid. You know that.

To answer your question, you want me because I'm made of awesome.

Yes, men are pigs. Except your brother, of course. He's actually a decent human being. Almost a woman.-Jillian's mother

Welcome to Hell. Here's your accordion.

The French have a new president, the British will soon have a new P.M., and we envy them as we endure the endless wait for this small dim man to go back to Texas and resume his life.

Anyone who thinks sitting in church can make you a Christian must also think that sitting in a garage can make you a car.

Evelyn was an insomniac so when they say she died in her sleep, you have to question that.

How ghastly for her, people actually thinking, with their brains, and right next door. Oh, the travesty of it all.

I never gossip. I observe. And then relay my observations to practically everyone.

Fiction was invented the day Jonah arrived home and told his wife that he was three days late because he had been swallowed by a whale..

I am not absentminded. It is the presence of mind that makes me unaware of everything else.

But there is in everything a reasonable division of labour. I have written the book, and nothing on earth would induce me to read it.

Humor can get in under the door while seriousness is still fumbling at the handle.

The great Gaels of Ireland are the men that God made mad, For all their wars are merry, and all their songs are sad.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.