150+ Hilarious Quotes That'll Make You Laugh Out Loud

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Let a smile be your umbrella, and you'll end up with a face full of rain.

I do this real moron thing, and it's called thinking. And apparently I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.

Tell people there's an invisible man in the sky who created the universe, and the vast majority will believe you. Tell them the paint is wet, and they have to touch it to be sure.

I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.

The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.

In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem.

I'm happy to tell you there is very little in this world that I believe in.

It's never just a game when you're winning.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

How is it possible to have a civil war?

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

I think I am, therefore, I am... I think.

If everyone in the world sat quietly at the same time, closed their eyes and concentrated as hard as they could on peace and goodwill, all the killing and cruelty in the world would continue. And probably increase.

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

There are women named Faith, Hope, Joy, and Prudence. Why not Despair, Guilt, Rage, and Grief? It seems only right. 'Tom, I'd like you to meet the girl of my dreams, Tragedy.' These days, Trajedi.

Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.

When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

He who can, does. He who cannot, teaches.