Quotes on “humor”

Aside from velcro, time is the most mysterious substance in the universe. You can't see it or touch it, yet a plumber can charge you upwards of seventy-five dollars per hour for it, without necessarily fixing anything.

When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.

I may not look like much, but I'm an expert at pretending to be a ninja.

Insanity does NOT run in my family. It strolls through, takes its time, and gets to know everyone personally. —T-SHIRT

I like to see the glass as half full, hopefully of jack daniels.

You know you have ADD when Look A chicken - T-shirt

I stood and walked around the desk so I could stand over him. Menacingly. Like Darth Vader, only with better lung capacity.

After a long, labored sigh, I said, She was really happy when I got there. I’m pretty sure she was suicidal when I left.You do have that effect on people.

Never knock on death's door. Ring the doorbell then run. He totally hates that. - T-shirt

At first, I could lie about my lack of sleep and she'd fall for it, but she started suspecting insomnia when I began seeing purple elephants in the air vents at the office. I knew I shouldn't have asked her about them. I thought maybe she'd redecorated.

There is a great need for a sarcasm font.

To find out if she really loved me, I hooked her up to a lie detector. And just as I suspected, my machine was broken.?

It's the idea that people living close to nature tend to be noble. It's seeing all those sunsets that does it. You can't watch a sunset and then go off and set fire to your neighbor's tepee. Living close to nature is wonderful for your mental health.

A library is like an island in the middle of a vast sea of ignorance, particularly if the library is very tall and the surrounding area has been flooded.

It isn't what you have, or who you are, or where you are, or what you are doing that makes you happy or unhappy. It is what you think about.

There are two types of people in this world. People who hate clowns...and clowns. (Bobby Pendragon)

I'm the terrorist, do what I say or I'll terrorize you.

You are going to love the sports here. Snow skiing and water-skiing and rock climbing and all kinds of extreme sports. I give you full permission to hurl yourself off stuff.