Quotes on “humor”

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas I'll never know.

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.

Before I speak, I have something important to say.

Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, 'Damn, that was fun'.

I sent the club a wire stating, PLEASE ACCEPT MY RESIGNATION. I DON'T WANT TO BELONG TO ANY CLUB THAT WILL ACCEPT ME AS A MEMBER.

Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.

From the moment I picked up your book until I put it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

We'll meet at the theater tonight. I'll hold your seat 'til you get there. Once you get there; you're on your own.

Cheaters never prosper. (Because they suck.)

I'm looking into my past lives. I'm convinced some of them still owe me money.

I'm very polite by nature, even the voices in my head let each other finish their sentences.

Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?