150+ Hilarious Quotes That'll Make You Laugh Out Loud

If you can't win by reason, go for volume.

I find my life is a lot easier the lower I keep my expectations.

I wonder if you can refuse to inherit the world.

The secret to enjoying your job is to have a hobby that's even worse

As far as I'm concerned, if something is so complicated that you can't explain it in 10 seconds, then it's probably not worth knowing anyway.

I'm a 21st-century kid trapped in a 19th-century family.

Calvin: Why are you crying mom?Mom: I'm cutting up an onion.Calvin: It must be hard to cook if you anthrpomorphisize your vegetables.

Look! A trickle of water running through some dirt! I'd say our afternoon just got booked solid!

Years from now, when I'm successful and happy, ...and he's in prison... I hope I'm not too mature to gloat.

The world isn't fair, Calvin. I know Dad, but why isn't it ever unfair in my favor?

I'm not dumb. I just have a command of thoroughly useless information.

We all pay for life with death, so everything in between should be free.

People often ask me where I stand politically. It's not that I disagree with Bush's economic policy or his foreign policy, it's that I believe he was a child of Satan sent here to destroy the planet Earth. Little to the left.

I believe that there is an equality to all humanity. We all suck.

And so the dentist says 'Rinse.' So you lean over, and you're lookin' at this miniature toilet bowl.

No matter how calmly you try to referee, parenting will eventually produce bizarre behavior, and I'm not talking about the kids. Their behavior is always normal.

As my father always used to tell me, 'You see, son, there's always someone in the world worse off than you.' And I always used to think, 'So?

If she can't spell, why is she a librarian? Librarians should know how to spell.

There are two motives for reading a book; one, that you enjoy it; the other, that you can boast about it.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

This calls for a very special blend of psychology and extreme violence.

Don't blame me. Tell your mom to move closer. Tell her there's this new club called civilization and you guys should join.