150+ Hilarious Quotes That'll Make You Laugh Out Loud

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

Dear Non-American Black, when you make the choice to come to America, you become black. Stop arguing. Stop saying I'm Jamaican or I'm Ghanaian. America doesn't care.

How can such scary looking parents create something so cute?

Why should any guy want to be only friends with a girl? It’s like agreeing to be near a chocolate cake and never eat it. It’s like sitting in a racing car but not driving it.

You know you're a hot mess when the only person buying you drinks all night is yourself.

My tendency to make up stories and lie compulsively for the sake of my own amusement takes up a good portion of my day and provides me with a peace of mind not easily attainable in this economic climate.

Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.

Men don’t realize that if we’re sleeping with them on the first date, we’re probably not interested in seeing them again either.

There are two kinds of people I don't trust: people who don't drink and people who collect stickers.

My relationship with my father had been on the proverbial fritz since the time I was fifteen and called the police to report him for child molesting. He had never molested me, but I wanted to have a party that weekend and needed him out of the house.

A man's true character comes out when he's drunk.

Sometimes I lie awake at night and I ask, "Why me?", then a voice answers "Nothing personal, your name just happened to come up."

I have a new philosophy. I'm only going to dread one day at a time.

Try not to have a good time...this is supposed to be educational.

Yesterday I was a dog. Today I'm a dog. Tomorrow I'll probably still be a dog. Sigh! There's so little hope for advancement.

Learn from yesterday, live for today, look to tomorrow, rest this afternoon.

Just remember, when you’re over the hill, you begin to pick up speed.

I love mankind ... it's people I can't stand!!

I know the answer! The answer lies within the heart of all mankind! The answer is twelve? I think I'm in the wrong building.

All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt.

I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.

Be nice to nerds. You may end up working for them. We all could.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

Some people never go crazy. What truly horrible lives they must lead.