150+ Hilarious Quotes That'll Make You Laugh Out Loud

Is it really you this time, Kells?Well, I’m no maggoty corpse, if that’s what you mean.He grinned. That’s a relief. No maggoty corpse would be that sarcastic.

It’s like this…a starving man would gladly eat a radish, right? In fact, a radish would be a feast if that’s all he had. But if he had a buffet in front of him, the radish would never be chosen.

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

I hear your insults and plan to silence them with my victory.

Could you hold the chainsaw a bit closer to your mouth, please?

I still love him so much I'll hide any amount of conjugated estrogen in his food. So much I'll do anything to destroy him.

The truth is, every son raised by a single mom is pretty much born married. I don't know, but until your mom dies it seems like all the other women in your life can never be more than just your mistress.

If Marilyn Monroe was alive right now, what would she be doing?'Clawing at the roof of her coffin.

Anybody who says they are a good liar obviously is not, because any legitimately savvy liar would always insist they're honest about everything.

If rain is God crying, I think God is drunk and his girlfriend just slept with Zeus.

Before I begin, may I ask how old you are? You may ask. How old are you? It's none of your business

Ah, pay no heed if your enemies laugh. They'll not be able to once you lop off their heads.

You would be amazed how many magicians have died after being bitten by mad rabbits. It's far more common than you might think. -Angela the Herbalist

Because you can't argue with all the fools in the world. It's easier to let them have their way, then trick them when they're not paying attention.

People have an annoying habit of remembering things they shouldn't.

He was a writer and words were his weapons.

Canada is a myth people made up to entertain children, like the Tooth Fairy. There’s no such place.

If you think anyone is sane you just don't know enough about them.

Christmas crept into Pine Cove like a creeping Christmas thing: dragging garland, ribbon, and sleigh bells, oozing eggnog, reeking of pine, and threatening festive doom like a cold sore under the mistletoe.

I love you above all things, even pie.

She's so small, yet she contains so much evil.

Thus, though I dislike to differ with such a great man, Voltaire was simply ludicrous when he said that if god did not exist it would be necessary to invent him. The human invention of god is the problem to begin with.

My own opinion is enough for me, and I claim the right to have it defended against any consensus, any majority, anywhere, any place, any time. And anyone who disagrees with this can pick a number, get in line, and kiss my ass.

For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him will believeth in anything. - Hitchens 3:16