200+ Funny Quotes Guaranteed to Make Your Day Better

It’s fairly standard. Also, I’m fourteen. Also, yourbeard’s stupid.Isn’t this fun? Skulduggery said brightly. The three of usgetting along so well.

I'm placing you under arrest for murder, conspiracy to commit murder and, I don't know, possibly littering.

I hate you' she said to me one afternoon. 'I really, really hate you.' Call me sensitive, but I couldn't help but take it personally.

My goal in life is to have a psychiatric disorder named after me.

If it weren’t for physics and law enforcement, I’d be unstoppable.

For the first time in my life, I was in a shoot-out. A real, honest-to-goodness shoot-out with a bad guy. And, apparently, we both sucked.

Dude. Hot Bozo. Best nickname ever.

The funniest people are the saddest ones

"Self-knowledge is better than self-control any day," Raquel said firmly. "And I know myself well enough to know how I act around cookies."

Vampires. They wrote the book on possessive.

I hate witches. Humans had the right idea, burning them at the stake.

When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye.

How dare you open a spaceman's helmet on an uncharted planet? My eyeballs could've been sucked from their sockets!

She moved like water, graceful and soft and lovely. Every part of me wanted to stick out my foot and trip her, just to see her stumble.

I love how you still think if you tell me to do something, I'll just check my brain at the door and do it.

She already had a headache-she didn't want to add 'get tortured' to today's to-do list.

Can we go back to using Facebook for what it was originally for - looking up exes to see how fat they got?

A word to the wise ain't necessary, it's the stupid ones who need advice.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man, and our politicians take advantage of this prejudice by pretending to be even more stupid than nature made them.

Envy is for people who don’t have the self-esteem to be jealous.

There is nothing more awful, insulting, and depressing than banality.

However, if you do start crying in an argument and someone asks why, you can always say, "I'm just crying because of how wrong you are."

I tell you, I'm half tempted to break into CIA custody just so I can break Joe Solomon out of CIA custody just so I can break Joe Solomon.