150+ Hilarious Quotes That'll Make You Laugh Out Loud

As with most of life's problems, this one can be solved by a box of pure radiation.

If ruining the only religious icon I have leaves me vulnerable to Martian vampires, I'll have to risk it.

Actually, I was the very lowest ranked member of the crew. I would only be in command if I were the only remaining person.What do you know? I’m in command

An artist is somebody who produces things that people don't need to have.

It is a damn poor mind that can think of only one way to spell a word.

Well, spit on my empty grave--if it ain't the attack of the Disney princesses!

In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office.

Sweater, n. Garment worn by child when its mother is feeling chilly.

Quotation, n: The act of repeating erroneously the words of another.

Egotist, n. A person of low taste, more interested in himself than in me.

Faith, n. Belief without evidence in what is told by one who speaks without knowledge, of things without parallel.

The covers of this book are too far apart.

Pray, v. To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled in behalf of a single petitioner, confessedly unworthy.

All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.

Positive, adj.: Mistaken at the top of one's voice.

Selfish, adj. Devoid of consideration for the selfishness of others.

Scriptures, n. The sacred books of our holy religion, as distinguished from the false and profane writings on which all other faiths are based.

She'd absolutely adored the library_an entire building where anyone could take things they didn't own and feel no remorse about it.

You don't need a search warrant to go through someone's trash. Seriously. Once it hits the curb it is totally fair game-you an look it up.

Unusual financial activity: none, unless you count the fact that someone in the family is way too into Civil War biographies. (Can this be a possible indication of Confederate insurgents still living and working in Virginia? Must research further.)

Number of empty Ben & Jerry's containers: 3 -- two mint chocolate cookie, one plain vanilla. (Who buys plain vanilla ice cream from Ben & Jerry's, anyway? Is there a greater waste?)

I think it's kinda nice.' And I did. my mom isn't famous for her pies. No, she's famous for defusing a nuclear device in Brussels with only a pair of cuticle scissors and a ponytail holder. Somehow, at the moment, pies seemed cooler.

I really believe, or want to believe, really I am nuts, otherwise I'll never be sane.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody come sit next to me.