150+ Hilarious Quotes That'll Make You Laugh Out Loud

Unrequited love is so boring. Weeping under a blue-black sky is for suckers or maniacs.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

Puns are the highest form of literature.

How is it that little children are so intelligent and men so stupid? It must be education that does it

Forget men, I want to marry my MacBook. It’s dependable, reliable and you can even go shopping with it.

You wanna go build some shelves with me?

Molly: So how do you think of Bryce Hamilton crowd so far? Boys hot enough for you?Bethany: I wouldn't say hot. Most of them seem to have a normal body temperature.

May the New Year bring you courage to break your resolutions early! My own plan is to swear off every kind of virtue, so that I triumph even when I fall!

I'm a poet, and I like my lies the way my mother used to make them.

Never memorize something that you can look up.

Student: Dr. Einstein, Aren't these the same questions as last year's [physics] final exam?Dr. Einstein: Yes; But this year the answers are different.

I never made one of my discoveries through the process of rational thinking

Even on the most solemn occasions I got away without wearing socks and hid that lack of civilization in high boots

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.

When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.

I feel like getting married, or committing suicide, or subscribing to L'Illustration. Something desperate, you know.

If something is going to happen to me, I want to be there.

Anyone who knew the word slattern was worth cultivating as a friend.

I am often thought of as being remarkably bright, and yet my brains, more often than not, are busily devising new and interesting ways of bringing my enemies to sudden, gagging, writhing, agonizing death.

No, my friend, I am not drunk. I have just been to the dentist, and need not return for another six months! Is it not the most beautiful thought?--Poirot

"Poirot," I said. I have been thinking.An admirable exercise my friend. Continue it.

We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office.

No matter how much the cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens.