150+ Hilarious Quotes That'll Make You Laugh Out Loud

I can't abide people who go soft over animals and then cheat every human they come across!

It's not that I want you to go, it's just that I don't want you to stay.

Plans are invitation to disappointment.

I swear, talking to you is like talking to a really good-looking and mildly stupid brick wall.

We're not retreating, we're advancing in reverse.' --Skulduggery Pleasant

Being a detective isn't all about torture and murder and monsters. Sometimes it gets truly unpleasant...The fate of the world may depend on whether or not you can bring yourself to visit your relatives.

I like video games, but they're really violent. I'd like to play a video game where you help the people who were shot in all the other games. It'd be called 'Really Busy Hospital.

Speed eliminates all doubt. Am I smart enough? Will people like me? Do I really look all right in this plastic jumpsuit?

I'm the most important person in the lives of almost everyone I know and a good number of the people I've never even met.

Sometimes the sins you haven't committed are all you have left to hold onto.

We were not a hugging people. In terms of emotional comfort it was our belief that no amount of physical contact could match the healing powers of a well made cocktail.

If you aren't cute, you may as well be clever.

Like all of my friends, she's a lousy judge of character.

Everyone looks retarded once you set your mind to it.

At the end of a miserable day, instead of grieving my virtual nothing, I can always look at my loaded wastepaper basket and tell myself that if I failed, at least I took a few trees down with me.

Call me sentimental, but there's no-one in the world that I'd like to see get dysentery more than you

We must have a pie. Stress cannot exist in the presence of a pie.

I've always known I was gay, but it wasn't confirmed until I was in kindergarten.It was my teacher who said so. It was right there on my kindergarten report card: PAUL IS DEFINITELY GAY AND HAS VERY GOOD SENSE OF SELF.

Because sometimes you just have to dance like a madman in the Self-Help section of your local bookstore.

Mary had a little lamb, its fleece electrostatic / And everywhere Mary went, the lights became erratic.

The integrity of my sleep has been forever compromised, sir.

Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business.

The problem with winter sports is that -- follow me closely here -- they generally take place in winter.

Have you noticed that whatever sport you're trying to learn, some earnest person is always telling you to keep your knees bent?