150+ Hilarious Quotes That'll Make You Laugh Out Loud

I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

If all the girls attending [the Yale prom] were laid end to end, I wouldn't be at all surprised.

I require three things in a man: he must be handsome, ruthless, and stupid.

That woman speaks eighteen languages, and can't say 'No' in any of them.

I don't care what is written about me so long as it isn't true.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

Be you wise and never sad,You will get your lovely lad.Never serious be, nor true,And your wish will come to you--And if that makes you happy, kid,You'll be the first it ever did.

I like to have a martini,Two at the very most.After three I'm under the table,after four I'm under my host.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

The two most beautiful words in the English language are 'cheque enclosed.

That would be a good thing for them to cut on my tombstone: Wherever she went, including here, it was against her better judgment.

The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of the tires.

She runs the gamut of emotions from A to B.

Three be the things I shall never attain: Envy, content, and sufficient champagne.

Men seldom make passes at girls who wear glasses.

Four be the things I'd have been better without: love, curiosity, freckles and doubt.

RésuméRazors pain you,Rivers are damp,Acids stain you,And drugs cause cramp.Guns aren't lawful,Nooses give,Gas smells awful.You might as well live.

I am a believer in free will. If my dog chooses to hate the whole human race except myself, it must be free to do so.

You must admit I have a right to live in a pigsty if I want.

My shining dishonesty will be the salvation of me.

What a strange family you are! Is your name Lettie too?

Look. Survey. Inspect. My hair is ruined! I look like a pan of bacon and eggs!