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If reassurances could dull pain, nobody would ever go to the trouble of pressing grapes.

Be sure to lie to your kids about the benevolent, all-seeing Santa Claus. It will prepare them for an adulthood of believing in God.

A true friend is a gift from God. Since God doesn't exist, guess what? Neither do true friends.

Dance like it hurts. Love like you need money. Work when people are watching. -- Dogbert's Motto

Life is half delicious yogurt, half crap, and your job is to keep the plastic spoon in the yogurt.

Give a man a fish, and you'll feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he'll buy a funny hat. Talk to a hungry man about fish, and you're a consultant.

The best you can hope for in a relationship is to findsomeone whose flaws are the sort you don’t mind. It isfutile to look for someone who has no flaws, or someonewho is capable of significant change; that sort of personexists only in our imaginations.

The first time you see something that you have never seen before, you almost always know right away if you should eat it or run away from it.

If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?

I love you like a fat kid loves cake!

I knew I loved you before I met youI think I dreamed you into lifeI knew I loved you before I met youI have been waiting all my life

A man is only as good as what he loves.