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When you fish for love, bait with your heart, not your brain.

April 1. This is the day upon which we are reminded of what we are on the other three hundred and sixty-four.

I take my only exercise acting as a pallbearer at the funerals of my friends who exercise regularly.

What is Man? Man is a noisome bacillus whom Our Heavenly Father created because he was disappointed in the monkey.

A successful book is not made of what is in it, but what is left out of it.

Don't say the old lady screamed. Bring her on and let her scream.

Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.

If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

I wish I could make him understand that a loving good heart is riches enough, and that without it intellect is poverty.

Good friends, good books, and a sleepy conscience: this is the ideal life.

Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to reform (or pause and reflect).

Any emotion, if it is sincere, is involuntary.