50 Humorous Mark Twain Quotes & Sayings

04 Apr 2020 By Cool & Famous Quotes

Born as Samuel Langhorne Clemens, Mark Twain is one of the most influential writers & humorist of America, who wrote 28 books, and a vast number of essays, stories and lectures.

Here is our collection of Famous & Humourous Mark Twain quotes that any and everybody should strive to live by.

Now and then we had a hope that if we lived and were good, God would permit us to be pirates.
–Mark Twain

Under certain circumstances, profanity provides a relief denied even to prayer.
–Mark Twain

The fact that man knows right from wrong proves his intellectual superiority to the other creatures; but the fact that he can do wrong proves his moral inferiority to any creatures that cannot.
–Mark Twain

That is just the way with some people. They get down on a thing when they don’t know nothing about it.
–Mark Twain

My books are water; those of the great geniuses is wine. Everybody drinks water.
–Mark Twain

My books are water; those of the great geniuses is wine. Everybody drinks water.

Training is everything. The peach was once a bitter almond; cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education.
–Mark Twain

Familiarity breeds contempt and children.
–Mark Twain

Education consists mainly of what we have unlearned.
–Mark Twain

After all these years, I see that I was mistaken about Eve in the beginning; it is better to live outside the Garden with her than inside it without her.
–Mark Twain

When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it had happened or not; but my faculties are decaying now and soon I shall be so I cannot remember any but the things that never happened. It is sad to go to pieces like this but we all have to do it.
–Mark Twain

The reports of my death are greatly exaggerated.
–Mark Twain

I wish I could make him understand that a loving good heart is riches enough, and that without it intellect is poverty.
–Mark Twain

Don't say the old lady screamed. Bring her on and let her scream.
–Mark Twain

A successful book is not made of what is in it, but what is left out of it.
–Mark Twain

What is Man? Man is a noisome bacillus whom Our Heavenly Father created because he was disappointed in the monkey.
–Mark Twain

I take my only exercise acting as a pallbearer at the funerals of my friends who exercise regularly.
–Mark Twain

When you fish for love, bait with your heart, not your brain.
–Mark Twain

I notice that you use plain, simple language, short words and brief sentences. That is the way to write English
–Mark Twain

When red-headed people are above a certain social grade their hair is auburn.
–Mark Twain

A man is never more truthful than when he acknowledges himself a liar.
–Mark Twain

The lack of money is the root of all evil.
–Mark Twain

Adam was but human—this explains it all. He did not want the apple for the apple's sake, he wanted it only because it was forbidden. The mistake was in not forbidding the serpent; then he would have eaten the serpent.
–Mark Twain

Let us live so that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry.
–Mark Twain

Humor is mankind's greatest blessing.
–Mark Twain

Obscurity and a competence—that is the life that is best worth living.
–Mark Twain

It usually takes me two or three days to prepare an impromptu speech.
–Mark Twain

In Paris they just simply opened their eyes and stared when we spoke to them in French! We never did succeed in making those idiots understand their own language.
–Mark Twain

Often it does seem such a pity that Noah and his party did not miss the boat.
–Mark Twain

There are those who scoff at the schoolboy, calling him frivolous andshallow: Yet it was the schoolboy who said 'Faith is believing what youknow ain't so'.
–Mark Twain

When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.
–Mark Twain

When I am king they shall not have bread and shelter only, but also teachings out of books, for a full belly is little worth where the mind is starved.
–Mark Twain

Eat a live frog first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
–Mark Twain

I've had a lot of worries in my life, most of which never happened.
–Mark Twain

There isn't time, so brief is life, for bickerings, apologies, heartburnings, callings to account. There is only time for loving, and but an instant, so to speak, for that.
–Mark Twain

I must have a prodigious amount of mind; it takes me as much as a week, sometimes, to make it up!
–Mark Twain

Be respectful to your superiors, if you have any.
–Mark Twain

If books are not good company, where shall I find it?
–Mark Twain

In the first place God made idiots. This was for practice. Then he made school boards.
–Mark Twain

It is by the goodness of god that in our country we have those 3 unspeakably precious things: freedom of speech, freedom of conscience, and the prudence never to practice either of them.
–Mark Twain