35 Funny Quotes to Make You Smile
There are funny quotes about, but only the humorous ones that will put a smile on your face.
If those aren't hilarious enough for you, just scroll down to the next quote for some extremely humorous quotations that are sure to put a grin on your face!
I'm sick of following my dreams, man. I'm just going to ask where they're going and hook up with ’em later.
—Mitch Hedberg
My mother always used to say: The older you get, the better you get, unless you’re a banana.
—Rose
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.
—Jack Handey
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence in society.
—Mark Twain
When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.
—Erma Bombeck
I walk around like everything’s fine, but deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
—Anonymous
I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
—Rodney Dangerfield
I never feel more alone than when I’m trying to put sunscreen on my back.
—Jimmy Kimmel
I’m at a place in my life when errands are starting to count as going out.
—Anonymous
Here’s all you have to know about men and women: Women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
—George Carlin
I never forget a face—but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception.
—Groucho Marx
Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and give her a house.
—Rod Stewart
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
—Steve Martin
Accept who you are. Unless you’re a serial killer.
—Ellen DeGeneres
There is one word that describes people that don't like me: Irrelevant.
—Anonymous
Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?
—Robin Williams
Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow just as well.
—Mark Twain
Woke up today. It was terrible.
—Grumpy Cat
Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of imagination.
—Oscar Wilde
The worst part of online shopping is having to get up and get your credit card from your purse.
—Anonymous
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
—Noel Coward
Trying is the first step toward failure.
—Homer Simpson, The Simpsons
A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain.
—Graham Norton
My advice to you is get married: If you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.
—Socrates
Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are.
—Will Ferrell
When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
—Rodney Dangerfield
Kids are expensive, I didn’t even realize how broke I was until last year someone stole my identity and it ruined her life.
—Kate Davis
There are two classes of travel—first class and with children.
—Robert Benchley
Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need most.
—Addison H. Hallock
Misers are no fun to live with, but they make great ancestors.
—Tom Snyder
I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.
—Jerome K. Jerome
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