100 Humorous & Funny Inspiring Quotes & Sayings

01 Jan 2020 By Cool & Famous Quotes

Are you looking for Funny & Humorous Quotes? We've compiled a list of funny quotes from popular authors & novelists, hoping that make a big beautiful smile on your face.

Life is short; but it barely takes a second to smile. 

So to keep you healthy and happy, enjoy these 100 humorous quotes…


No, my friend, I am not drunk. I have just been to the dentist, and need not return for another six months! Is it not the most beautiful thought?--Poirot
–Agatha Christie


I am often thought of as being remarkably bright, and yet my brains, more often than not, are busily devising new and interesting ways of bringing my enemies to sudden, gagging, writhing, agonizing death.
–Alan Bradley


How is it that little children are so intelligent and men so stupid? It must be education that does it
–Alexandre Dumas


Positive, adj.: Mistaken at the top of one's voice.
–Ambrose Bierce


I'm a 21st-century kid trapped in a 19th-century family.
–Bill Watterson


Yakka foob mog. Grug pubbawup zink wattoom gazork. Chumble spuzz. I love loopholes.
–Bill Watterson


Talking with you is sort of the conversational equivalent of an out of body experience.
–Bill Watterson


You can't make footprints in the sands of time if you're sitting on your butt. And who wants to make buttprints in the sands of time?
–Bob Moawad


A crossbow? Pigeon asked.I left my battle-ax in my other jeans, the man said.
–Brandon Mull


She already had a headache-she didn't want to add 'get tortured' to today's to-do list.
–C.C. Hunter


Professors of literature collect books the way a ship collects barnacles, without seeming effort.
–Carolyn G. Heilbrun


I hate witches. Humans had the right idea, burning them at the stake.
–Charlaine Harris


My tendency to make up stories and lie compulsively for the sake of my own amusement takes up a good portion of my day and provides me with a peace of mind not easily attainable in this economic climate.
–Chelsea Handler


He was a writer and words were his weapons.
–Christopher Moore


If rain is God crying, I think God is drunk and his girlfriend just slept with Zeus.
–Chuck Klosterman


If Marilyn Monroe was alive right now, what would she be doing?'Clawing at the roof of her coffin.
–Chuck Palahniuk




I hear your insults and plan to silence them with my victory.
–Claudia Gray


It’s like this…a starving man would gladly eat a radish, right? In fact, a radish would be a feast if that’s all he had. But if he had a buffet in front of him, the radish would never be chosen.
–Colleen Houck


You are going to love the sports here. Snow skiing and water-skiing and rock climbing and all kinds of extreme sports. I give you full permission to hurl yourself off stuff.
–Cynthia Hand


Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business.
–Dave Barry


The integrity of my sleep has been forever compromised, sir.
–David Foster Wallace


It’s fairly standard. Also, I’m fourteen. Also, yourbeard’s stupid.Isn’t this fun? Skulduggery said brightly. The three of usgetting along so well.
–Derek Landy


What a strange family you are! Is your name Lettie too?
–Diana Wynne Jones



Be you wise and never sad,You will get your lovely lad.Never serious be, nor true,And your wish will come to you--And if that makes you happy, kid,You'll be the first it ever did.
–Dorothy Parker


Weirdism is definitely the cornerstone of many an artist's career.
–E.A. Bucchianeri


It took teams of LEP warlocks to slow down time for a few hours; the magic required to open a door to the tunnel was stupendous. It would be easier to shoot down the moon.Opal tapped this into her notepad.Reminder. Shoot down the moon? Viable?
–Eoin Colfer


A grandmother pretends she doesn't know who you are on Halloween.
–Erma Bombeck



A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.
–Friedrich Nietzsche


But there is in everything a reasonable division of labour. I have written the book, and nothing on earth would induce me to read it.
–G.K. Chesterton


Pasteboard pies and paper flowers are being banished from the stage by the growth of that power of accurate observation which is commonly called cynicism by those who have not got it....
–George Bernard Shaw


It's all bullshit, folks and it's bad for ya.
–George Carlin


I'm not a person who thinks they can have it all, but I certainly feel that with a bit of effort and guile I should be able to have more than my fair share.
–George Carlin


I'm looking into my past lives. I'm convinced some of them still owe me money.
–Graham Parke


Faith may be defined briefly as an illogical belief in the occurrence of the improbable.
–H.L. Mencken


Nothing so fortifies a friendship as a belief on the part of one friend that he is superior to the other.
–Honoré de Balzac


Because he has the best equipment in the City and he knows how to use it!
–Ilona Andrews


I hate patience. Slows everything down.
–J.D. Robb


Don't be stupid, it's a flying house!
–J.K. Rowling


Why would I go looking for someone I know wants to kill me?
–J.K. Rowling


That is the second time you have spoken out of turn, Miss Granger, said Snape coolly. Five more points from Gryffindor for being an insufferable know-it-all.
–J.K. Rowling


Harry, we saw Uranus up close! said Ron, still giggling feebly. Get it, Harry? We saw Uranus — ha ha ha —
–J.K. Rowling


Listen, street punk. You're a guy, and you're a couple inches taller, and maybe forty pounds heavier, and ooh, you're in a gang. But I've survived ten years of Catholic school, and I will cut you off at your knees without a blink. Do you understand?
–James Patterson


If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons.
–James Thurber


Mr. McGregor's a nasty piece of work, isn't he? Quite the Darth Vader of children's literature.
–Jasper Fforde


Women speak because they wish to speak, whereas a man speaks only when driven to speak by something outside himself-like, for instance, he can't find any clean socks.
–Jean Kerr


His sentences didn't seem to have any verbs, which was par for a politician. All nouns, no action.
–Jennifer Crusie


Home is where, when you go there and tell people to get out, they have to leave.
–Jim Butcher


I'm so pretty, it's hard for me to think of myself as intelligent.
–Jim Butcher


I'm amazing and studly, but I have limits.
–Jim Butcher


If there is anyone here whom I have not insulted, I beg his pardon.
–Johannes Brahms


I wish I knew how to quit you, Tumblr.
–John Green


By the way, when you finish the bottle of Crown Royal, you can still use the pouch to hold your broken dreams.
–Jon Stewart


I will describe my eyes and then begin the story. My eyes are blue and resplendent. Now I will begin the story.
–Jonathan Safran Foer


As we all know, blinking lights means science.
–Joss Whedon


Please welcome Professor Varen Nethers, famous depressed dead poets historian and author of the bestselling books Unlocking your Poe-tential: A Writer's Guide, and Mo Poe Fo Yo: When You Just Can't Get Enough.
–Kelly Creagh


I guess I can't blame him for feeling bitter. Going from being the terror of Bulgarian nights to a janitor would kinda suck
–Kiersten White


I looked to the ceiling and told God, God, next time I want an adventure, strike me with lightning. You have my permission.
–Kristen Ashley


Literature doesn’t exactly have a strong mental-health track record.
–Lemony Snicket



It's the perfect solution. We argue all the time. We can't stand each other. It's like we're already married.
–Lisa Kleypas


Could we wear spandex and blow things up?
–Lisa Mantchev


The uniform enhanced his athletic body, and my thoughts drifted to how magnificent he would look with his uniform puddled around his feet.
–Maria V. Snyder


You know your Lamborghini is on fire, right?
–Meg Cabot


However, because they have no actual interests of their own (or if they do, they squelch them in order to fit in) and merely pursue those that they think will look best on their college apps, they're zombies.
–Meg Cabot


The greater part of the world's troubles are due to questions of grammar.
–Michel de Montaigne


Rejection is one thing - but rejection from a fool is cruel.


A novelist can’t be without a kimono and pen!(Shigure)
–Natsuki Takaya


Young people, nowadays, imagine that money is everything.Yes, murmured Lord Henry, settling his button-hole in his coat; and when they grow older they know it.
–Oscar Wilde


What's the use of a great city having temptations if fellows don't yield to them?
–P.G. Wodehouse


Where does a werewolf sleep? Anywhere he wants to.
–Patricia Briggs


Are you going to tell me what that was about? Adam asked as we went back upstairs.Sometime, I told him. When we're telling ghost stories around a campfire, and I want to scare you.
–Patricia Briggs


And she says, Then let’s just take the effing road and get ourselves to Haven.I smile, a little. You said effing, I say. You actually said the word effing.
–Patrick Ness


It's not called being gay, it's called being fabulous!


Housework won't kill you, but then again, why take the chance?
–Phyllis Diller


Maybe I should, I don't know leave? Because this is starting to sound like one of those reality shows I don't want to be in. Maybe you guys want to take turns in the confessional booth.
–Rachel Caine


Walking around nude in front of humans was not a good way to keep a low profile with the community. It was an excellent way to make new friends, though.
–Rachel Vincent


TANDAAN: mahirap mafriendzone, pero madali lang gumanti!
–Ramon Bautista


It was beautiful in a harsh I'm-going-to-gut-you-like-a-fish kind of way.
–Rick Riordan


When I was alive, I mean the first time, Mussolini was in charge. We were at war.Mussolini? Leo frowned. Wasn’t he like BFFs with Hitler?
–Rick Riordan


Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be.
–Rita Rudner


The behavior of any bureaucratic organization can best be understood by assuming that it is controlled by a secret cabal of its enemies.
–Robert Conquest


Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.
–Robert Fulghum


Fifteen men on the Dead Man's Chest Yo-ho-ho, and a bottle of rum! Drink and the devil had done for the rest Yo-ho-ho, and a bottle of rum!
–Robert Louis Stevenson


There are any number of magical creatures, mostly female, whose singing can bring about horror and death. Sirens, undines, banshees, Bananarama tribute bands...
–Simon R. Green


Murder is like potato chips: you can't stop with just one.
–Stephen King


I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
–Steven Wright


A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
–Steven Wright


I named my dog Stay, so I can say, 'Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!
–Steven Wright


A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, 'Wish you were here.
–Steven Wright


I happen to be immature, undisciplined, and self-centered, pretty much a little boy in a man's body, although I'd appreciate it if you didn't quote me on that.-Bobby Tom
–Susan Elizabeth Phillips


You couldn't be satisfied with being an amateur asshole, could you, Jimbo! You had to go and turn pro on me!
–Susan Elizabeth Phillips


Humor is also a way of saying something serious.
–T.S. Eliot


The trouble was that he was talking in philosophy but they were listening in gibberish.
–Terry Pratchett


If per capita was a problem, decapita could be arranged
–Terry Pratchett


Every intelligent being, whether it breathes or not, coughs nervously at some time in its life.
–Terry Pratchett


Give the People what they want - and they'll get what they deserve.
–The Kinks



He stared at her neck. Realization pulsed. He was looking at the bite he had given her. A hard length was growing against her hip. So, is that your long, scaly, reptilian tail, or are you just happy to see me? No, she did not just say that. Did she?
–Thea Harrison


Now listen, we need to be quiet as mice. No, quieter than that. As quiet as . . . as . . . Dead mice? Reynie suggested. Perfect, said Kate with an approving nod. As quiet as dead mice.
–Trenton Lee Stewart


The shortest distance between two people is a smile.
–Victor Borge


How art thou out of breath when thou hast breathTo say to me that thou art out of breath?
–William Shakespeare


There is no question that there is an unseen world. The problem is, how far is it from midtown and how late is it open?
–Woody Allen


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