100 Humorous & Funny Inspiring Quotes & Sayings

01 Jan 2020 By Cool & Famous Quotes

Are you looking for Funny & Humorous Quotes? We've compiled a list of funny quotes from popular authors & novelists, hoping that make a big beautiful smile on your face.

Life is short; but it barely takes a second to smile. 

So to keep you healthy and happy, enjoy these 100 humorous quotes…

 

No, my friend, I am not drunk. I have just been to the dentist, and need not return for another six months! Is it not the most beautiful thought?--Poirot
–Agatha Christie

 

I am often thought of as being remarkably bright, and yet my brains, more often than not, are busily devising new and interesting ways of bringing my enemies to sudden, gagging, writhing, agonizing death.
–Alan Bradley

 

How is it that little children are so intelligent and men so stupid? It must be education that does it
–Alexandre Dumas

 

Positive, adj.: Mistaken at the top of one's voice.
–Ambrose Bierce

 

I'm a 21st-century kid trapped in a 19th-century family.
–Bill Watterson

 

Yakka foob mog. Grug pubbawup zink wattoom gazork. Chumble spuzz. I love loopholes.
–Bill Watterson

 

Talking with you is sort of the conversational equivalent of an out of body experience.
–Bill Watterson

 

You can't make footprints in the sands of time if you're sitting on your butt. And who wants to make buttprints in the sands of time?
–Bob Moawad

 

A crossbow? Pigeon asked.I left my battle-ax in my other jeans, the man said.
–Brandon Mull

 

She already had a headache-she didn't want to add 'get tortured' to today's to-do list.
–C.C. Hunter

 

Professors of literature collect books the way a ship collects barnacles, without seeming effort.
–Carolyn G. Heilbrun

 

I hate witches. Humans had the right idea, burning them at the stake.
–Charlaine Harris

 

My tendency to make up stories and lie compulsively for the sake of my own amusement takes up a good portion of my day and provides me with a peace of mind not easily attainable in this economic climate.
–Chelsea Handler

 

He was a writer and words were his weapons.
–Christopher Moore

 

If rain is God crying, I think God is drunk and his girlfriend just slept with Zeus.
–Chuck Klosterman

 

If Marilyn Monroe was alive right now, what would she be doing?'Clawing at the roof of her coffin.
–Chuck Palahniuk

 

I hear your insults and plan to silence them with my victory.
–Claudia Gray

 

It’s like this…a starving man would gladly eat a radish, right? In fact, a radish would be a feast if that’s all he had. But if he had a buffet in front of him, the radish would never be chosen.
–Colleen Houck

 

You are going to love the sports here. Snow skiing and water-skiing and rock climbing and all kinds of extreme sports. I give you full permission to hurl yourself off stuff.
–Cynthia Hand

 

Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business.
–Dave Barry

 

The integrity of my sleep has been forever compromised, sir.
–David Foster Wallace

 

It’s fairly standard. Also, I’m fourteen. Also, yourbeard’s stupid.Isn’t this fun? Skulduggery said brightly. The three of usgetting along so well.
–Derek Landy

 

What a strange family you are! Is your name Lettie too?
–Diana Wynne Jones

 

Be you wise and never sad,You will get your lovely lad.Never serious be, nor true,And your wish will come to you--And if that makes you happy, kid,You'll be the first it ever did.
–Dorothy Parker

 

Weirdism is definitely the cornerstone of many an artist's career.
–E.A. Bucchianeri

 

It took teams of LEP warlocks to slow down time for a few hours; the magic required to open a door to the tunnel was stupendous. It would be easier to shoot down the moon.Opal tapped this into her notepad.Reminder. Shoot down the moon? Viable?
–Eoin Colfer

 

A grandmother pretends she doesn't know who you are on Halloween.
–Erma Bombeck

 

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.
–Friedrich Nietzsche

 

But there is in everything a reasonable division of labour. I have written the book, and nothing on earth would induce me to read it.
–G.K. Chesterton

 

Pasteboard pies and paper flowers are being banished from the stage by the growth of that power of accurate observation which is commonly called cynicism by those who have not got it....
–George Bernard Shaw

 

It's all bullshit, folks and it's bad for ya.
–George Carlin

 

I'm not a person who thinks they can have it all, but I certainly feel that with a bit of effort and guile I should be able to have more than my fair share.
–George Carlin

 

I'm looking into my past lives. I'm convinced some of them still owe me money.
–Graham Parke

 

Faith may be defined briefly as an illogical belief in the occurrence of the improbable.
–H.L. Mencken

 

Nothing so fortifies a friendship as a belief on the part of one friend that he is superior to the other.
–Honoré de Balzac

 

Because he has the best equipment in the City and he knows how to use it!
–Ilona Andrews

 

I hate patience. Slows everything down.
–J.D. Robb

 

Don't be stupid, it's a flying house!
–J.K. Rowling

 

Why would I go looking for someone I know wants to kill me?
–J.K. Rowling

 

That is the second time you have spoken out of turn, Miss Granger, said Snape coolly. Five more points from Gryffindor for being an insufferable know-it-all.
–J.K. Rowling

 

Harry, we saw Uranus up close! said Ron, still giggling feebly. Get it, Harry? We saw Uranus — ha ha ha —
–J.K. Rowling

 

Listen, street punk. You're a guy, and you're a couple inches taller, and maybe forty pounds heavier, and ooh, you're in a gang. But I've survived ten years of Catholic school, and I will cut you off at your knees without a blink. Do you understand?
–James Patterson

 

If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons.
–James Thurber

 

Mr. McGregor's a nasty piece of work, isn't he? Quite the Darth Vader of children's literature.
–Jasper Fforde

 

Women speak because they wish to speak, whereas a man speaks only when driven to speak by something outside himself-like, for instance, he can't find any clean socks.
–Jean Kerr

 

His sentences didn't seem to have any verbs, which was par for a politician. All nouns, no action.
–Jennifer Crusie

 

Home is where, when you go there and tell people to get out, they have to leave.
–Jim Butcher

 

I'm so pretty, it's hard for me to think of myself as intelligent.
–Jim Butcher

 

I'm amazing and studly, but I have limits.
–Jim Butcher

 

If there is anyone here whom I have not insulted, I beg his pardon.
–Johannes Brahms

 

I wish I knew how to quit you, Tumblr.
–John Green

 

By the way, when you finish the bottle of Crown Royal, you can still use the pouch to hold your broken dreams.
–Jon Stewart

 

I will describe my eyes and then begin the story. My eyes are blue and resplendent. Now I will begin the story.
–Jonathan Safran Foer

 

As we all know, blinking lights means science.
–Joss Whedon

 

Please welcome Professor Varen Nethers, famous depressed dead poets historian and author of the bestselling books Unlocking your Poe-tential: A Writer's Guide, and Mo Poe Fo Yo: When You Just Can't Get Enough.
–Kelly Creagh

 

I guess I can't blame him for feeling bitter. Going from being the terror of Bulgarian nights to a janitor would kinda suck
–Kiersten White

 

I looked to the ceiling and told God, God, next time I want an adventure, strike me with lightning. You have my permission.
–Kristen Ashley

 

Literature doesn’t exactly have a strong mental-health track record.
–Lemony Snicket

 

It's the perfect solution. We argue all the time. We can't stand each other. It's like we're already married.
–Lisa Kleypas

 

Could we wear spandex and blow things up?
–Lisa Mantchev

 

The uniform enhanced his athletic body, and my thoughts drifted to how magnificent he would look with his uniform puddled around his feet.
–Maria V. Snyder

 

You know your Lamborghini is on fire, right?
–Meg Cabot

 

However, because they have no actual interests of their own (or if they do, they squelch them in order to fit in) and merely pursue those that they think will look best on their college apps, they're zombies.
–Meg Cabot

 

The greater part of the world's troubles are due to questions of grammar.
–Michel de Montaigne

 

Rejection is one thing - but rejection from a fool is cruel.
–Morrissey

 

A novelist can’t be without a kimono and pen!(Shigure)
–Natsuki Takaya

 

Young people, nowadays, imagine that money is everything.Yes, murmured Lord Henry, settling his button-hole in his coat; and when they grow older they know it.
–Oscar Wilde

 

What's the use of a great city having temptations if fellows don't yield to them?
–P.G. Wodehouse

 

Where does a werewolf sleep? Anywhere he wants to.
–Patricia Briggs

 

Are you going to tell me what that was about? Adam asked as we went back upstairs.Sometime, I told him. When we're telling ghost stories around a campfire, and I want to scare you.
–Patricia Briggs

 

And she says, Then let’s just take the effing road and get ourselves to Haven.I smile, a little. You said effing, I say. You actually said the word effing.
–Patrick Ness

 

It's not called being gay, it's called being fabulous!
–PewDiePie

 

Housework won't kill you, but then again, why take the chance?
–Phyllis Diller

 

Maybe I should, I don't know leave? Because this is starting to sound like one of those reality shows I don't want to be in. Maybe you guys want to take turns in the confessional booth.
–Rachel Caine

 

Walking around nude in front of humans was not a good way to keep a low profile with the community. It was an excellent way to make new friends, though.
–Rachel Vincent

 

TANDAAN: mahirap mafriendzone, pero madali lang gumanti!
–Ramon Bautista

 

It was beautiful in a harsh I'm-going-to-gut-you-like-a-fish kind of way.
–Rick Riordan

 

When I was alive, I mean the first time, Mussolini was in charge. We were at war.Mussolini? Leo frowned. Wasn’t he like BFFs with Hitler?
–Rick Riordan

 

Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be.
–Rita Rudner

 

The behavior of any bureaucratic organization can best be understood by assuming that it is controlled by a secret cabal of its enemies.
–Robert Conquest

 

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.
–Robert Fulghum

 

Fifteen men on the Dead Man's Chest Yo-ho-ho, and a bottle of rum! Drink and the devil had done for the rest Yo-ho-ho, and a bottle of rum!
–Robert Louis Stevenson

 

There are any number of magical creatures, mostly female, whose singing can bring about horror and death. Sirens, undines, banshees, Bananarama tribute bands...
–Simon R. Green

 

Murder is like potato chips: you can't stop with just one.
–Stephen King

 

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
–Steven Wright

 

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
–Steven Wright

 

I named my dog Stay, so I can say, 'Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!
–Steven Wright

 

A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, 'Wish you were here.
–Steven Wright

 

I happen to be immature, undisciplined, and self-centered, pretty much a little boy in a man's body, although I'd appreciate it if you didn't quote me on that.-Bobby Tom
–Susan Elizabeth Phillips

 

You couldn't be satisfied with being an amateur asshole, could you, Jimbo! You had to go and turn pro on me!
–Susan Elizabeth Phillips

 

Humor is also a way of saying something serious.
–T.S. Eliot

 

The trouble was that he was talking in philosophy but they were listening in gibberish.
–Terry Pratchett

 

If per capita was a problem, decapita could be arranged
–Terry Pratchett

 

Every intelligent being, whether it breathes or not, coughs nervously at some time in its life.
–Terry Pratchett

 

Give the People what they want - and they'll get what they deserve.
–The Kinks

 

He stared at her neck. Realization pulsed. He was looking at the bite he had given her. A hard length was growing against her hip. So, is that your long, scaly, reptilian tail, or are you just happy to see me? No, she did not just say that. Did she?
–Thea Harrison

 

Now listen, we need to be quiet as mice. No, quieter than that. As quiet as . . . as . . . Dead mice? Reynie suggested. Perfect, said Kate with an approving nod. As quiet as dead mice.
–Trenton Lee Stewart

 

The shortest distance between two people is a smile.
–Victor Borge

 

How art thou out of breath when thou hast breathTo say to me that thou art out of breath?
–William Shakespeare

 

There is no question that there is an unseen world. The problem is, how far is it from midtown and how late is it open?
–Woody Allen

 

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