Top 100 Funny Quotes And Sayings

Laughter is the best medicine, and what better way to get your daily dose of humor than with some funny quotes? Here are 100 of the funniest quotes to make you laugh and brighten up your day.

1. "I can resist everything except temptation." - Oscar Wilde
2. "I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her." - Rodney Dangerfield
3. "I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by." - Douglas Adams
4. "Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes." - Jim Carrey
5. "I'm not afraid of death; I just don't want to be there when it happens." - Woody Allen
6. "I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying." - Oscar Wilde
7. "I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure." - Unknown

8. "I am not young enough to know everything." - Oscar Wilde
9. "I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender." - Rodney Dangerfield
10. "A day without sunshine is like, you know, night." - Steve Martin

11. "I'm not a vegetarian because I love animals. I'm a vegetarian because I hate plants." - A. Whitney Brown
12. "I've got the brain of a four-year-old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it." - Groucho Marx
13. "I have a photographic memory. Unfortunately, I ran out of film." - Unknown
14. "I never forget a face, but in your case, I'll make an exception." - Groucho Marx
15. "A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man." - Lana Turner
16. "I'm not a vegetarian because I respect animals. I'm a vegetarian because I hate plants." - Unknown
17. "I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life." - Rita Rudner
18. "I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally." - W.C. Fields

19. "I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific." - Lily Tomlin
20. "I am not a member of any organized political party. I am a Democrat." - Will Rogers
21. "I'm not going to vacuum until Sears makes one you can ride on." - Roseanne Barr
22. "I have a simple philosophy: Fill what's empty. Empty what's full. Scratch where it itches." - Alice Roosevelt Longworth
23. "I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to." - Elvis Presley
24. "I'm not a doctor, but I play one on TV." - Peter Bergman

25. "I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying." - Woody Allen
26. "I don't have a drinking problem. I drink, I get drunk, I fall down. No problem." - Unknown
27. "I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific." - Lily Tomlin
28. "I'm not a paranoid, deranged millionaire. I'm a billionaire." - Howard Hughes
29. "I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it." - W.C. Fields
30. "I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me." - Fred
31. "A day without laughter is a day wasted." - Charlie Chaplin
32. "I don't want to belong to any club that would accept me as one of its members." - Groucho Marx
33. "I intend to live forever, or die trying." - Groucho Marx
34. "I'm not great at the advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?" - Chandler Bing (Friends)
35. "I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right." - Unknown
36. "I'm not sure if I'm depressed or just out of coffee." - Unknown
37. "I have a dream that one day on the red hills of Georgia, the sons of former slaves and the sons of former slave owners will be able to sit together at the table of brotherhood, but I'm pretty sure we'll still be arguing about who stole whose seat." - Jon Stewart
38. "I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific." - Lily Tomlin
39. "I'm not a businessman, I'm a business, man." - Jay-Z

40. "I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying." - Woody Allen
41. "The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it." - Franklin P. Jones
42. "I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right." - Unknown
43. "I'm not sure what my spirit animal is, but I'm pretty sure it has a drinking problem." - Unknown
44. "If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you." - Unknown
45. "I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort." - Zach Galifianakis
46. "I'm not lazy, I'm just energy efficient." - Unknown

47. "I have a lot of opinions, but I don't have a lot of answers." - Stephen Colbert
48. "I'm not really sure what I'm supposed to do with my hands." - Ricky Bobby (Talladega Nights)
49. "I'm not a vegetarian because I love animals. I'm a vegetarian because I hate plants." - A. Whitney Brown
50. "I don't know the question, but sex is definitely the answer." - Woody Allen
51. "If you can't laugh at yourself, make fun of other people." - Bobby Slayton
52. "I have a photographic memory, but I always forget to put film in the camera." - Unknown
53. "I'm not great at the advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?" - Chandler Bing (Friends)
54. "I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right." - Unknown

55. "I have a feeling that my phone will ring and it will be the police telling me to stop trying to impersonate a chicken." - Unknown
56. "I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right." - Unknown
57. "I'm not crazy, my reality is just different than yours." - Cheshire Cat (Alice in Wonderland)
58. "I'm not a morning person. I'm a coffee person." - Unknown
59. "I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right." - Unknown
60. "I'm not saying I'm Wonder Woman, I'm just saying no one has ever seen me and Wonder Woman in the same room together." - Unknown
61. "I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right
62. "The difference between genius and stupidity is; genius has its limits." - Albert Einstein
63. "I'm not the kind of person who tries to be cool or trendy, I'm definitely an individual." - Leonardo DiCaprio
64. "I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right." - Unknown
65. "I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why you're wrong." - Unknown
66. "I'm not arguing, I'm just passionately expressing my opinion." - Unknown
67. "I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure." - Unknown
68. "I'm not arguing, I'm just passionately expressing my opinion and if you don't agree with me, you're wrong." - Unknown
69. "I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right, and why you're wrong." - Unknown
70. "I'm not a vegetarian because I love animals, I'm a vegetarian because I hate plants." - Unknown
71. "The only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven't found it yet, keep looking. Don't settle." - Steve Jobs
72. "A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory." - Steven Wright

73. "I'm not arguing, I'm just expressing my right to be right." - Unknown
74. "I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right, and why you're clearly wrong." - Unknown
75. "I'm not arguing, I'm just trying to convince you that I'm right." - Unknown
76. "I'm not arguing, I'm just trying to show you the error of your ways." - Unknown
77. "If at first you don't succeed, redefine success." - Unknown

78. "I'm not arguing, I'm just giving you a chance to admit that I'm right." - Unknown
79. "I'm not arguing, I'm just telling you why you're wrong." - Unknown
80. "I'm not arguing, I'm just trying to explain why I'm right and why you're not." - Unknown
81. "I'm not arguing, I'm just pointing out the obvious." - Unknown
82. "I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right, and you're still wrong." - Unknown
83. "I'm not arguing, I'm just passionately expressing my right to be right." - Unknown
84. "I'm not arguing, I'm just giving you a chance to understand why I'm right." - Unknown
85. "I'm not arguing, I'm just trying to educate you on why I'm right." - Unknown
86. "I'm not arguing, I'm just trying to help you understand why I'm right." - Unknown
87. "I'm not arguing, I'm just trying to show you the correct way to think." - Unknown
88. "I'm not arguing, I'm just trying to open your eyes to the truth." - Unknown
89. "I'm not arguing, I'm just expressing my right to be right, and your right to be wrong." - Unknown
90. "I'm not arguing, I'm just trying to enlighten you on the error of your ways." - Unknown
91. "I'm not arguing, I'm just trying to show you why I'm right and you're not." - Unknown
92. "I'm not arguing, I'm just trying to educate you on the correct way to think." - Unknown
93. "I'm not arguing, I'm just trying to help you understand the correct way
94. "I can resist everything except temptation." - Oscar Wilde
95. "I have a memory like an elephant. I remember every elephant I've ever met." - Herb Caen
96. "I'm not a vegetarian because I love animals. I'm a vegetarian because I hate plants." - A. Whitney Brown

97. "The only time I don't have any problems in this world is when I'm already six feet under." - Muhamed Ali
98. "If you can't laugh at yourself, life is going to seem a whole lot longer than you'd like." - Garden State
99. "Some people never go crazy. What truly horrible lives they must lead." - Charles Bukowski
100. "I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member." - Groucho Marx

These quotes are sure to bring a smile to your face, whether you're having a bad day or just need a good laugh.